Harassment

• 25 May, 2025
• Update

This past 5 months have been absolute torture for me for a variety of reasons. A lot's been going on and it's... a lot. I keep saying this so often, but it's true every single time. And it's so, so frustrating. But there's also a good thing thrown in the mix. There's that at least?

I've been experiencing a lot of harassment. Two harassment campaigns, actually. The first was because I called out fetishmining via vore, which led to the fetishminer and Discord server to harass me. It went on for a month, and in that month they brought up my own NSFW Tumblr blog as a "gotcha," as if they caught me being hypocritical. Here's the thing: I make my blog unsearchable on Tumblr, hidden from users unless they know the URL, and it doesn't show up in tags. They brought up my only kink, trying to claim that my art could be interpreted as glorifying eating disorders. But here's the thing, and I hate that I had to expose my privacy to defend myself about it: I'm fat, and I have an eating disorder! It was so violating to have to say that publicly before I was ready. Ideally, I never say that last part, but alas, the Internet had different plans. This went on for a month roughly before dying down, but it caught up again when I decided to run a fanzine. They dragged the zine into it, and it caused a lot of stress on the zine members I recruited because I was spiraling and unsure of how to handle something like this. After following sound advice, basically "don't fuel the flame, stop responding, don't bring it up in the server unless it affects everyone", it stopped. Which is good! But I'm risking it starting up again by talking about it. Which sucks! I'd receive harassment in the form of Tumblr asks, specifically anonymous. I stand by the fact I get more positive than negative, but I also have a horrible habit of feeling like I need to respond. Knowing my history of people lying about me, I hate seeing that shit spread, so I want to nip it in the bud. Alas, all it does is stress me out. They're only using my blog as a venue to just cause a mental spiral. I've been doing better about not engaging.

So, what about the second harassment campaign? Well, that actually started out private in a fan project I had recently joined. Started out from me simply trying to give direction on how something should be drawn, but the harasser came in to defend the initial version. Since I've done a lot of research and contribute to a wiki about the original content the fan project is based on, I mentioned this to source my claim. This was interpreted poorly when later I took the conversation to make an analysis on the canon design, and over the months this escalated into vague jabs that I recognized. If you've been in multiple fandoms and interacted with people outside of your friend circles, you will often come to realize how subtle people will be to hide their harassment and dislike of you. An attempt to solve things was eventually put into motion, but it led nowhere. Despite my pleas for action to be taken to the leader, nothing was really done, and I was slowly led to believe I was just being paranoid. This led to me quitting, and I began to move on. I had basically moved on... until the harasser made a public post about it upon being asked if they joined a zine, saying "Hell no, the zine creator doesn't like me." This put more negative attention on the zine and its members and it frustrates me. I got asks about it and harassed over it now. I've been wanting to do an artist spotlight for so long but I cannot in good faith because it puts zine members at risk of harassment for merely being associated with me. I don't even know if the post is deleted but I'm going to have to assume it isn't. If it ain't, don't bother interacting with the person who posted it. It's not worth it. Either way, the inaction led to people standing up for me via quitting, the lead stepping down after getting rid of my harassers, and that was that. I hold no animosity towards the lead, shit is what it is.

Unfortunately, I didn't handle this perfectly either. I foreshadowed it with the first series of harassments that I got: I can be reckless and impulsive, influenced by my ADHD and PTSD. I often think about wanting to explain myself and justify my point of view more than the long-term consequences of taking an action. This isn't inherently bad, but this led to me privately violating someone I called a friend's trust. I'm not going to get in-depth about it because it's private, they want to take the time to heal and move on, but it's led me to think about how I approach harassment in general. I've never been good at handling it. I'm 22 as I write this, and I was forced into the spotlight online at the incredible age of 11 or 12 starting with Scratch. A lot of my maturity was, in lighthearted terms, something I had to speedrun to aquire. It's made worse combined with my autism, where I struggle with social situations. I've always had a lot of eyes on me the moment I began producing semi-original content online and it's something I've had to quickly adjust to. This doesn't excuse anything I've really done in the past, but it serves as an explanation. The only thing I can really say is that, contrary to popular belief, I hate hurting people. At the same time, my drive to dispel misconceptions has come at the cost of tanking other people's mental health, multiple times. At some point, I'm just dragging people into my own anxiety, and that's not right. I struggle with disengaging but I've been really doing my best to commit to it. In terms of the friends I've hurt, most I can do is just give people space. I notoriously struggle with that, since my anxiety just wants to instantly make things better, to fix things. Alas, that would be hypocritical of me; sometimes the only thing that makes me feel better is time. I've lost friendships in the past over being unable to give that space and time... It's because I don't often see the progress of healing. I have to come to terms that I'm not always going to be able to see it.

This year has been... harsh, so far. I don't see it lightening up anytime soon. I hope that changes, but, it is what it is. Not only for myself, but for others, I have to continue to be better and to improve. My goal is to stop engaging with harassment, hostility, and accusatory messages. It will be hard, since my desire to dispell misinformation collides HARD with this... but I think it will be worth it. People that are worth being around won't need you to explain a thousand times your intentions, or come into your messages to insult you by calling you childish. They also don't need to LIKE the way you handle things.

... I'm not the best person, and I don't pretend to be. I've always been clear from the start I'm pretty flawed. And I think it's perfectly valid for the people I've personally hurt to be upset with me. I will never fault them for it. Of course, it's case-by-case, but generally? I'm not going to sit here and say "you're stupid to having bad feelings about me." This isn't a letter to those I've hurt, either, to go "pwease forgive me...!" but I at least want to be front with what I've been dealing with, while also being self-critical when I can. Because let's face it, I'm not perfect. That's fine. I'm not entirely good and I'm not entirely bad. I'm just... some person that can leave an impact.

So, for those who've been following my Tumblr, the zine members, and witnessed the horrors of the harassment anons... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have engaged with them the way I have. It would have ended sooner if I just ignored it. I played a part in it. Doesn't validate jack shit of what they said about me, but I could have just never responded in the first place.

And, well, to those who've stuck by me (you know who you are), thank you. It means a lot.