Emotions

• 10 Janurary, 2025
• Personal
• Update

Things have been really rough for me lately, for a variety of reasons. A personal situation in real life has been taking a serious toll on my mental health and it's been really hard dealing with that. It's hard talking about it, because I want to avoid the pitfalls I used to find myself in as a child and oversharing. At the same time, I want to talk about it because I want to be honest and transparent about what's happening with me.

I think what's really messing with me is the fact that I'm living in an emotionally abusive situation that I thought I grew out of. I've lived through it before due to what I like to call The Cycle Of Abuse, and it was thankfully broken through a lot of work and love. However, when it was successfully broken, it was like the abuse transferred hosts. Now, my step father subjects my mother and I to emotional abuse near daily. Constantly he would nitpick us, especially my mother, for the smallest of things. If she did something "wrong," he would berate her, calling her stupid and moronic, saying she's promoting laziness. Anytime I stood up for her, the subject of abuse would switch to me. I'd be called lazy and told to shut up, all the while knowing I'm autistic and diagnosed with ADHD. The reason I got a job was because he wouldn't stop harassing my mother about me not working and "being productive." I'm glad I have the job, but I got it for the wrong reasons.

Thankfully because of my previous therapy, I know how to deal with these emotions. I know how to healthily process them, talk about them, and avoid taking the feelings out on others. But occasionally, I think about the fact that I never felt this low when I was at college. It may have been only for a year, but I wasn't subjected to nitpicking, violently loud verbal fights at six in the morning. And for a while, I actually felt pretty happy with myself outside of the struggles with school. It's hard because I don't think I'll ever be able to get that back. I know it's just dread speaking, but it's hard to shake off.

I think the hardest part is knowing my step father wasn't always like this. He treated me and my mother with respect, until one day. I used to like him.

I've been begging to move out for two years now, and we have a plan. I'm just hoping we have the resources to go through with it... A lot of it is just, not having money. My mom hates asking for money from people, which makes it harder. I asked for money a few years ago to move out away from my step father, and I've been feeling guilty about it. The money was used to help set up for leaving someday, but I'm afraid of it being seen as a scam or a lie due to bad actors online taking advantage of people's sympathy. I think my mom feels that way to a degree, too.

I wrote up a whole reflection in December about how I feel about the coming year and how thankful I am for my friends. That still rings true; I couldn't be any more grateful for them than I am now. They mean everything to me and more. Last year, a private situation happened that got rid of most of the paranoia that I've been living with for the past 5 years, and it's allowed me to appreciate the people who stuck with me way more. I'm still adjusting to living outside of that shadow of fear... I'm not used to it. Ironically, I'm a bit scared of living without all of that fear. It's also the most freeing thing in the world.

If you're going through something right now... hey, it won't last forever. My situation sucks, but don't let that be the reason you tell yourself "hey, my situation isn't THAT bad!" because nobody's pain should be compared like that. Your pain is valid, especially since yesterday and earlier today, it was revealed that the company behind Facebook, Meta, changed their Terms of Service to allow hate against queer folk... This year is going to be a doozy.

I'll live. And you will, too.