I want to start this journal entry by saying this will be a bit more serious than usual. Before I get into the serious, I want to note some news. I moved hosts from Neocities to leprd.space. I've been wanting to move for a while and had my eyes on leprd.space for a good year, so I'm glad I was able to make the jump. Thanks for hosting me!
Now, for the heavier stuff. Please be warned that I will be talking about NSFW topics and art, being groomed, and how that stuff affected me. If that may be too much, you may wanna skip this journal. Otherwise, let's talk about it.
There is a huge problem concerning NSFW art online that's existed ever since its inception. The problem has only gotten bigger and more recognized in recent years; the exposure of it to minors. You'll never fully be able to prevent a minor from looking at NSFW art, and in truth I don't think you should. Obviously, pre-teens and under should not be looking at it. I was unfortunately exposed to NSFW art as young as 9, and I'm positive this affected me negatively. Teenagers also need that room to explore their sexuality, but in no way should that room be public or with adults. Unfortunately, that tends to be the case with a lot of people growing up with the internet, myself included.
There's this really relaxed attitude towards NSFW art that isn't directly explicit. If it's not showing genitals, then it's fine to show publicly, right? This used to be my mindset in the past as a kid, especially towards fetish art. I am asexual and never had feelings towards real life sexual activities, so I never went out of my way to search for that content (unless I was testing to see if I was still asexual or not. Surprise, I still was). However, that didn't stop me from running into fetish art on places like deviantArt, and I used to think there was nothing wrong with it. The most of my sex education when I was a pre-teen was how to do it safely, and that abstinence is the best thing to do. I knew about the concept of pedophiles and not to share very personal information online (like my name, address, etc), but I didn't know anything when it came to sexual feelings and what to do with them. Mostly because, I never had any sexual feelings... except with one subject. Unfortunately, it was what deviantArt showed me the most as a kid. Once I realized I liked it, I actively searched for it. It was how I found out I was bisexual, too... which gives me mixed feelings. For a year now, I had a feeling I used to act hypersexual, but only within the last two months did I realize this was very true.
In school, I would draw my kink. I knew it wasn't to be shown to anyone else but me and my friends, because I knew it was something you should be private about, but I would draw it during class. I would doodle it in my agenda's margins. I had notebooks full of it. I did art trades for it. And when I was 16, in the latter half of 2018, I made an NSFW account on Twitter and Tumblr. If you know the username, I ask you not mention or spread it. Please do not actively look for it, either; the Twitter is private and Tumblr is unsearchable. When I first made the accounts, both were private for a little bit and stated my age being 16 at the time. I've always made my age clear in my profile and updated it accordingly. I remember unlocking only my Twitter account soon after and started posting my fetish art. I figured because I didn't follow anyone and I posted without tags, that nobody would find me. This was... not the case. Somehow, either through me publicly following fetish artists or them finding me, I started to get involved in the community for it. I remember checking their profiles that said "minors DNI," and yet they followed me. It gave me serious mental damage that only recently I have realized and started picking up the pieces for.
I do not wish to name anyone, despite the heinous things that happened. However, I will be naming the NSFW community. I often drew fetish art of one character from UNDERTALE, and it was a popular character as well. Eventually, I found out there was a Discord server for posting art relating to this fetish, and I joined. When joining, I mentioned that I was 16 and I hoped that this would be fine, and I was welcomed anyhow. I was told as long as I'm not viewing explicit material, like genetalia, then my presence would be fine. This was a red flag. Another red flag was the pressure I felt to be completely supportive of this fetish in real life circumstances no matter what. Without being too explicit of what this fetish is, the most I can say is that in extreme circumstances, it can decrease the quality of life some people have. Of course, this doesn't mean it's inherently unhealthy, as anything extreme will be bad. However, upon voicing my upset surrounding the glorification of the fetish, I was scolded and told I was parroting bigoted sayings. I was scared and wanted support and attention, so I apologized and deleted the Tweets with these thoughts. However, this lived rent free in my head.
A few days after I turned 18, I had a moral panic. I realized that the content I made and posted when I was 16 were NSFW, even if nothing ever showed genetalia. I felt extreme guilt, and spiraled for a few days. This resulted in me dropping the account for a little bit, but eventually picking it back up. As I got older, my activity waned. I didn't post my fetish art that often anymore, and kept it in private friend circles. However, that activity also dropped. When I was 21, I didn't really think about drawing my fetish as often anymore. Previously, it was at least once a week. At it's worst, four to five days a week. Now, it's just... once in a while. I don't obsess over it anymore.
This past year, I had got to thinking about my time and experiences with NSFW content. Now, I realized that while I wasn't explicitly or traditionally groomed, I still was groomed. The worst part is that this would be the second time I was groomed, and I never realized it until this year. I was in light denial about it the previous year, saying it might have happened, but I didn't want to think about it much. Certain personal events forced me to, and I am glad I did, because it also made me realize: there is a huge issue with letting children into NSFW spaces. This has always been a problem, but it's extra prevalent in fetish communities where the fetish isn't inherently sexual. Because it's not inherently sexual, people think it's more acceptable to be showing publicly or even to children, even though it's something that brings up sexual feelings. If it's something that gives you sexual feelings, it should NOT be talked about with children! Sometimes, to circumvent talking with young children, people will put "16+" in their profiles. If anything, this is still bad! Those are still minors interacting with NSFW content! A common defense is "oh, but it's not explicit, so it's not NSFW!" or "oh, but it's just suggestive, it's fine." It is not fine. Sexually suggestive and fetish art, commonly called "softcore porn" due to its non-explicit nature, is not something most people would want on their computer screen at work. If someone has "16+" in their profile and they post softcore porn, I personally would not trust them. In my experience, I have seen people with that in their profile groom others. They are not safe. Not only that, but I have seen people with "minors DNI" follow and interact with minors. Even worse, I would see people with non-explicit fetishes ask for fetish art from minors as well! There is a huge problem with this, and sometimes it feels like nobody wants to talk about it because they're having too much fun. This isn't to say that people aren't talking about it. People who have grown up with Kphoria's vore videos being recommended to them are finally talking about how being exposed to that at such a young age has messed with them, and rightfully so. I can only hope this inspires more pro-active change. Something I'd like to see is that when posting suggestive or fetish art, even if it's not explicit, is to mark it as NSFW and make sure only adults may see it. That way, less incidents like what happened with me will happen.
I have been wanting to talk about this for a while now. Thank you for reading.